When someone you care about is struggling with addiction, it’s hard to know what to say—or even if what you say can make a difference. Words matter. They can hurt, heal, or open doors. If you love someone who’s addicted, your words can be a lifeline. Here are suggestions on how to communicate with compassion, honesty, and hope.
1. Start with compassion and empathy
- “I can see how hard this has been for you.”
- Acknowledge their pain without judgement. Addiction often comes with shame and feeling misunderstood.
- “I love you and I want to understand what you’re going through.”
- Sometimes the greatest help is showing you’re willing to listen without shutting them down.
2. Express your concern, not blame
- “I’m worried about your safety, and that scares me.”
- Framing it in terms of concern rather than accusation opens a dialogue instead of building defensiveness.
- “I’ve noticed some things that concern me…”, rather than “You always do…”
- Avoid sweeping generalizations. Speak of specific observations and feelings.
3. Use “I” statements
These reduce defensiveness and help your loved one hear what you’re trying to say. For example:
- “I feel hurt/afraid/helpless when I see you in pain.”
- “I miss the person I used to talk to.”
4. Be honest, but gentle
- “Addiction doesn’t define who you are.”
- It’s a disease, not a moral failure. Let them know you believe in their potential.
- “I believe in you. I believe recovery is possible.”
- Hope is powerful.
5. Offer support and help, without enabling
- “I want to support you. If you ever want help finding treatment, I’m here.”
- Let them know you’ll walk with them if and when they choose to move forward.
- “Let me help you look into options. We can call places and go together.”
- Practical support — like helping find treatment or going with them to appointments — can turn “I want to help” into “I did help.”
6. Set boundaries out of love
It’s okay—and often necessary—to protect your own wellbeing.
- “I can’t be around you when there’s substance use happening, because it’s harmful to me too.”
- “I’ll help you as long as you’re willing to do some of the work, too.”
Boundaries are not punishment; they are ways to maintain your health and to avoid being caught in patterns that perpetuate harm.
7. Encourage professional help and keep the door open
- “There are people who specialize in helping with this — therapists, support groups, treatment centers.”
- “If and when you’re ready, I can help you explore those options.”
Even if they’re not ready now, your hearing these words can stay with them as seeds of hope.
8. Avoid enabling behaviors
Sometimes love tempts us to do things that lessen immediate pain but worsen the long-term situation, like giving money or covering for the person. It’s okay to pause or refuse when enabling.
You might say:
- “I can’t give money, but I can help you get in touch with someone who can help.”
- “I’d like to help you with transportation to treatment, but I can’t help you avoid consequences.”
9. Know what not to say
Here are phrases that often backfire:
- “Why don’t you just stop?”
- Oversimplifies addiction and can feel dismissive.
- “You’re going to ruin everything.”
- Fear tactics often trigger shame, not change.
- “You’re being selfish/stupid.”
- These can push someone further away.
- “If you don’t do ___, then I’ll ___.” (without follow-through)
- Threats without action can destroy trust.
10. Keep communication open
Even after a harsh moment, after relapse, after arguments—keep reaching out. Love doesn’t have to be perfect; consistency matters.
- “I’ll always want you in my life.”
- “I’m here when you want to talk, whenever that is.”
11. Take care of yourself, too
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone with addiction is emotionally, mentally, and often physically draining. Seek support:
- Therapy or counseling for yourself
- Support groups (e.g. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon)
- Having people you trust with whom you can be honest
Your well-being matters. You deserve compassion and rest, too.
12. A sample script
Here’s something you might say (feel free to adapt to what feels true and yours):
“Hey, I want to talk because I love you and I’m worried. Lately I’ve seen how much you’ve been hurting, and I can’t ignore it. I miss you, and I want to help you find your way back. I’m here for you no matter what, but I also need to be honest: I can’t help you in ways that enable the addiction. If you ever want help, or want me to help you find someone to talk to or a place to go, I will. And if you’re not ready, I’ll stay here, and I’ll keep caring about you.”
Why Words Matter
At East Coast Recovery, we’ve seen many stories where the right words from a loved one help tip the balance. They plant seeds of hope. They remind someone that they’re seen, not condemned. But wanting someone to recover isn’t enough—they need help, tools, and community.
We offer:
- Evidence-based therapies (CBT, DBT, etc.) geared toward healing both addiction and co-occurring mental health issues.
- Family therapy, because healing often happens in relationships.
- Aftercare and sober living support, which is vital for long-term recovery.
If you or your loved one are ready to explore, we can walk you through what treatment could look like. You don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to wait for everything to fall apart. Reaching out is strength.
